New NHL Format

All right, kiddies. So with the recent loss of my beloved Atlanta Thrashers I can't help but wonder about the other teams now in danger of relocation now that the ball has been officially dropped by our dear friend Gary "No Cookies for you!" Bettman. My suggestion, now that I have no ties to the NHL, is to really shake things up. I say we go on a relocation FRENZY.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!

So here's the plan:

Toronto Maple Leafs: So what if they're an Original Six team? Their attendance was low last year and their fans get on my nerves, along with their grammatically incorrect team name. I can think of a city that's been hankering for an NHL team for a while. So we take the Maple Leafs and move them West as they become...the Seattle Coffee Beans! In the sense of teams with stereotypical names I believe the Coffee Beans would be a perfect team name. The city of Seattle could even build their venue right by that giant phallic symbol known as the Space Needle! Make it seven? Revert to 6! The best part of it is that the jilted Leafs' fans will now be forced to cheer for the Ottawa Senators. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I hate having to rake the leafs. Damn nature.

NY Islanders: The New York Islanders have had some ownership and attendance issues that I really don't care to go into because I really don't care. So what do we do? Scratch 'em. They, too will be moved west and become --the Kansas City Islanders! That's right, anonymous Isles' players, none of whose names I can think of at the moment, you get to trade in your Canadian brand Northern Yankee beer for some MOOOOONSHIIIIINE! You'll love it. And the fact that a team named the Kansas City Islanders makes no sense at all really fits the NHL philosophy!

So...that's a picture of Long Island?

Colorado Avalanche: Again, feel really bad for the fans in Colorado, but you've got so much to do in Denver, like....skiing and......snowboarding and.......pot or something. Anyway, pack up your g-strings, Matt Duchene! You're moving to VEGAS!!! That's right, the Las Vegas Avalanche. Again, I'm keeping with the trend of names that don't make sense. The major perk for the city is that you don't even have to build a venue. You can just kick Celine Dion out of her place! It's a win-win!

Sure, let's name a team after a natural disaster! At least this one SPARKLES.

LA Kings: The state of California has three (3) NHL franchises. Three! (3!) Do they really need three? (3?) Since San Jose (Sharks) is considerably north of Los Angeles (Kings) and Anaheim (No Longer Mighty Just Regular Ducks) they will stay put. The contest is now between the Kings and Ducks. The Ducks were named after a Disney movie and NO ONE is allowed to argue with Disney, so they will stay and the Kings will jet East. Can you say HARTFORD? That's right! Another city with loyal fans that were so wrongfully snubbed by the NHL. Not to worry, Hartforders. Your suffering ends! Although, we will need a team name more environmentally friendly than Whalers so, once again sticking with nonsensical and quasi-racist team names, you will become the Hartford Comanches! Not only can Hartforders regain the magic of having people know where their city is because they finally have a tourist attraction, they can also enrich their history of the Comanche Indians from where ever they're from. Dual-purpose!

What kind of team wears purple, anyway?

Now, readers, I'm sure you're wondering what with all these cross-country moves how the new divisions will line up. Well, I'll tell you: We're gonna scrap 'em! We are starting all over. In the New and Improved NHL there will be 15 divisions! That's right, 15! Two teams per division and they will play each other 82 times, alternating cities each time. The division leaders will get a playoff spot.

One day's worth of travel in the New NHL

And again, with 15 teams in the playoffs I bet you're wondering how that will work. Well, the first place team will have the luxury of playing themselves in the best-of-7 series in the first round of the playoffs! We will split the team right down the middle. So if the Vancouver Canucks manage to pull off another President's Trophy we can finally split up those freakin' Sedin twins in something other than the NHL All-Star Exhibition I'm Just Here for the MVP Prize Game.

Seriously, they need to stop being so creepy.

My hope is that, since they have that freaky twin thing, they'll keep accidentally passing to each other. No one will score and the games will go on forever because, did I mention, we're getting rid of overtime! So that best-of-7 series could in theory go on forever because no one can score. They'll be playing 24/7 and the season will never end. EVER! Ahhhhhhhh, good times.


Now, all we need to do is get Mr. No Cookies for You on the line and feed him the new business plan. Who's with me?